Cloudy, rainy weather has me in a melancholy mood. I wish sometimes that I wasn't so sensitive to weather and light changes. Maybe depression wouldn't be such a familiar companion if my emotional health was less susceptible to environmental changes. I'm off from work for three days and this first day has the smell of fall and the bleakness of a gray, rainy day. When I was younger the fall was a more joyful time with the beautiful colors and the crispness of the air but now I associate fall with sadness. My husband died on the first day of October nine years ago. Time has dulled the pain but still when summer wanes my fight with depression begins anew. Now the smell of fall and the cool temperatures seem to herald the coming of death, the coming of winter. Yeah, the only thing worse than fall is winter. Try as I might to shake it, those feelings return every fall. I remember learning DABDA in nursing school. The stages of grief according to Kubler-Ross are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Not everyone agrees with her model but I think it is as good as anything that anyone else has had to offer. For me the denial stage was extremely brief and the bargaining stage didn't apply to me. The others are familiar characters in my recent life. Anger and depression are the usual suspects for me and trying to be better acquainted with acceptance is an act of perseverance. I hope the sun comes out soon, otherwise, I'm about to put James Blunt's Back to Bedlam on and spiral down into myself...
