Deja vu sucks

A year ago tomorrow I buried my mother-in-law after she went to the hospital for abdominal surgery. Today I am sitting by my mother's bed in the hospital. She just had abdominal surgery and appears to be having some problems. They don't know why but she is confused and combative. She is hallucinating and had started talking to my dad who has been dead for 9 1/2 years.  I'm a nurse, I get ICU psychosis, but I've also seen people die and she scares the hell out of me. Lord, what is your plan? Lord, I don't want to find out I have the strength to go through this again so soon. Lord, please heal my mom because this feeling of deja vu royally sucks.

DABDA

Cloudy, rainy weather has me in a melancholy mood. I wish sometimes that I wasn't so sensitive to weather and light changes. Maybe depression wouldn't be such a familiar companion if my emotional health was less susceptible to environmental changes. I'm off from work for three days and this first day has the smell of fall and the bleakness of a gray, rainy day. When I was younger the fall was a more joyful time with the beautiful colors and the crispness of the air but now I associate fall with sadness. My husband died on the first day of October nine years ago. Time has dulled the pain but still when summer wanes my fight with depression begins anew. Now the smell of fall and the cool temperatures seem to herald the coming of death, the coming of winter. Yeah, the only thing worse than fall is winter. Try as I might to shake it, those feelings return every fall. I remember learning DABDA in nursing school. The stages of grief according to Kubler-Ross are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Not everyone agrees with her model but I think it is as good as anything that anyone else has had to offer. For me the denial stage was extremely brief and the bargaining stage didn't apply to me. The others are familiar characters in my recent life. Anger and depression are the usual suspects for me and trying to be better acquainted with acceptance is an act of perseverance. I hope the sun comes out soon, otherwise, I'm about to put James Blunt's Back to Bedlam on and spiral down into myself...

Halloween 2013

Of the last 6 years as a nurse I have had to work 5 Halloweens. I'm not a fan of the holiday but I do miss seeing my grandkids dressed up. Oh well, such is the life of a floor nurse. At least I got to see some really cute pics of them and I borrowed them to share on my blog. They are 3 of the cutest kids ever!

Liza (she says black cat, I think Catwoman!)

Drew (aka Clark Kent, or one happy nerd!)

Reid (aka Superman, Man of Steel)

Adorable beyond description! I LOVE these kids!

Burns Beach Blast

Hello from South Cackalacky!

Well it turns out since my last post that Mike, Sarah, and kids were all feeling better sans stomach bug and decided to join me at the beach. Yay! I had accepted that I was going to spend a quiet vacay alone but the change in plans made for a happy Mom and Mimi! Life went from serene to chaotic but so much fun. Myrtle cooperated by giving us really nice weather. I think the twins, Reid and Drew, enjoyed their first foray into the sand and water. Liza definitely enjoyed herself; she takes to sun, sand, and water like a beach bum.

Looking longingly at the beach on her first sunrise at Myrtle

Liza is ecstatic!

Making sandcastles. This girl loves undivided attention from her daddy.

Flying Liza!

Liza is supervising as the boys touch the ocean for the very first time.

Burns family of five

Liza helped Sarah make drippy castles...

while the boys just hang out together!

Wrapped up briefly when she got cold but she is already plotting her next move...

chasing the seagulls was one of her favorite activities.

 We walked down the boardwalk for food and fun. We took a ride on the SkyWheel. Liza, Mike and I loved it, the boys were indifferent, and Sarah, well not so much...

Reid and Drew really didn't seem to notice that we were 187 feet up in the air.

Liza thought it was really cool and couldn't contain her excitement.

 

Ta dah!!! We did the SkyWheel! Sarah is glad to be on the ground again.

Catharsis

Wow. I just noticed that it has been over a year since I wrote on here. My Liza is now 3 years old and has 2 brothers, twins Drew and Reid. Time is spinning at a dizzying pace. These 3 GRAND children are the stars in my life. I love them dearly and they bring me great joy.

Since Ralph passed away I try to take a short vacation in the fall to Myrtle Beach. This year was no different but roadblocks seemed to keep coming up to taking the annual trip. I usually take one or more of my kids with me. Heath had to bow out because he had to go to Louisville with seminary related activities. Candice bowed out because her best friend is getting married. Then, Mike and Sarah came down with a dreadful stomach virus the day before we were supposed to leave. I almost canceled my reservations. I've never gone on vacation alone and was a little scared to try it. Throwing caution to the wind, I decided to go anyway whether or not I had company. My drive, thankfully, was uneventful. I arrived in the afternoon, checked in, unloaded the car, grocery shopped, and then headed to the beach for a walk. Glorious! I didn't feel strange to be alone and I was enjoying the ocean and sand so much. It probably seems a small thing to most people but it was a big step for me. I have always gone with someone, been with someone, or shared with someone. This was just another step in the journey...

I know many people say it, but I really do wish I could live at the ocean. If I had the writing skills like Mickey Spillane and a house in Murrells Inlet, how awesome would that be! While I was walking this morning on the beach (I love to take a long walk in the mornings and evenings while there) I felt such a calmness, a centered-ness come over me. I feel I could be more creative in this environment. At home the cares of life overwhelm me. I get easily depressed. I'm sure if I lived here they would follow me, too. But I like to imagine the idyllic version where I could keep my toes in the sand and let that giant Atlantic Ocean wash away my cares, lull me with her voice, and inspire me with her mystery.

What's in a name?

Feeling a little puny on a dreary Monday morning I was mulling over this blog and I realized that I haven't yet explained where I got the name for my blog. I was trying to think of a play on my name or something that describes me. Through the magic of Google I found a poem by Delmore Schwartz that contained the words "time is the fire in which we burn." I really like the way he used words and it spoke to the way I had been feeling about the swift passing of time. I have included the snippet of it that I like the best:

Each minute bursts in the burning room,   

The great globe reels in the solar fire,   

Spinning the trivial and unique away.

(How all things flash! How all things flare!)   

What am I now that I was then?   

May memory restore again and again   

The smallest color of the smallest day:   

Time is the school in which we learn,   

Time is the fire in which we burn.

     Delmore Schwartz "Calmly We Walk Through This April's Day"

Ode To The Egyptian

Recently my son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter were out of town. They left behind 7 chickens secure in a coop, or so they thought. When they came back home they discovered that a predator had gotten into the coop and a couple of chicks were missing and a hen was dead. The hen was this unique little chicken named Gertrude or Gertie. She was also an Egyptian and that is what we called her, "The Egyptian." She was a sleek, pretty bird and very swift of foot. She also seemed to have a bit of a mean streak in her. I loved to watch her dart around the yard like a roadrunner. I felt very sad to hear of her demise so I wrote a little eulogy for her and for my daughter-in-law, Sarah.

Ode to an Egyptian

There was an Egyptian lady, Gertrude was her name.

But we just called her the Egyptian, she came running just the same.

She had spunk and attitude, for her the girls made way.

Aloof and arrogant she seemed, and selfishness her play.

But when danger came calling, Gertrude showed her strength,

With fight to the death, she gave her last breath,

That her sisters might live another day.